


our seasons

by Sakataka



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Fluff, M/M, Short One Shot, uhh. this is just a random drabble really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 07:59:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18774505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakataka/pseuds/Sakataka
Summary: Even in winter, the sun shines when Katsura is next to him.





	our seasons

It was a warm summer's day when they were talking. A normal greeting, a normal conversation. It didn't mean much. Two kids, brought together by a fate that was both cruel and kind to them. It was different, then. They were laughing, arguing, running about. It was so easy to say back then. How Gintoki would definitely marry Zura in the future, how he's the only general he needs to protect him, he remembers Katsura's blush that was warmer than the heat.

He remembers Shoyo watching them, with a soft smile, he loved seeing them get along, he thinks, or did he know? Takasugi was there, too, a little jealous, a little competetive. They fought, like they always have. He was happy, then. Gintoki felt like he had gained the world. Like the summer has finally caught up to him.

He remembers how they would sneak out at night and try to go somewhere only to get caught by Shoyo, get scolded, how Gintoki would say he hates him, but how he would join him at night after because he couldn't sleep, didn't have anywhere to sleep anyway. The outside lessons in the warm summer heat, the endless raining pouring on top of them as they looked for a new place to stay in autumn, the snowball fights that ended up with someone hurt in winter, seeing endless flower fields blooming in autumn. He remembers how Katsura would smile at him. How he would smile back at him. How Gintoki would challenge Takasugi to a race and how they'd leave behind Katsura, who scolded them in return. He remembers how warm it was. Sometimes, he misses it.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

This hasn't been the first time they had met. Not as friends, but as something else, something he didn't want to name, put a label on. It was just him, with Katsura, that's what had mattered to him. Them, in a tight embrace, them goofing around, them fighting and playfighting, them being so comfortable around each other. But they both knew that in a war, they couldn't do this. They couldn't go any further. And inside Gintoki's minds, his darker thoughts told him to stay away anyway.

So they did what they could. They did not utter any word about what they were, sometimes Katsura would be sad, he would want Gintoki to be his, but they knew that wasn't possible. Random shows of affection, possessiveness, jokes, intimacy whenever they were allowed. Some others questioned them, saw what was going on, but nobody thought it would go anywhere.

This time though, Gintoki didn't leave him alone. He left Katsura with a promise, a promise to go to him when everything was over, to visit him in the spring when everything was beautiful, to let their relationship bloom like the flowers and forget about the war together. And Katsura left him with a smile, with confidence and reassurance. They'd meet, not as friends, but as something else.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

People were laughing, running around, enjoying the new warm weather. Gintoki awoke with a headache, hungover, bottles beside him. Why did he drink again? Did he have the same dream again? Did he vomit again? The shame washed over him, he's a mess, he's got to get out, he's got to run from this. 

The shame followed him wherever he went, it stuck above him and mocked him, but he's been living like this, he's used to this. How late was it? Can he go to the pachinko parlor? He barely had any money left but it's not like it mattered. He's just got to survive this night again, just to get through this day again, just hold on for tonight. Gintoki's not above using any cheap thrills, anything to keep him distracted, anything to keep the promise he had made with his teacher so long ago. 

He didn't know if he could, though. It's been getting worse. But then again, it's not like it had ever been much better.

So he fills up his glass, with the cheapest booze, keep it full until the next day, keep it going, stop thinking, like tomorrow doesn't exist. 

The nights last much longer in winter, after all.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

He's not quite sure when he noticed it. When his heart started beating heavier, faster than usual. When small talk started to turn into conversations that lasted for so long. When the time together began to felt like what they once had. When he had to remind himself that Katsura wants nothing from him.

How he had to remind himself that when Katsura said hello to him, that it was just another greeting.

How when Katsura smiled at him and talked to him, that it was just another conversation.

It didn't mean much.

So why was he there, clutching his phone, awaiting a call he knew wouldn't come? How when he can't sleep, he wonders what Katsura is up to? How come he broke down when Katsura asked him how he was doing?

The shame, the guilt, the emotions, they all surfaced even though he usually stops them so well, he showed Katsura his pathetic self he really is. Well, more pathetic than how he usually is anyway. He knows no one wants him. He knows one day, he will scare everyone off with this attitude. He knows that even Katsura won't stay with him forever. Why is it then that he stayed with him, comforted him? Didn't run away?

Gintoki doesn't like to reminisce. It's pointless. Why then is he out at night, thinking about when they were kids, about their promise, about what if? The what if he already ruined? When Katsura asked he told him it was all in the past, that he was fine. He lied to himself, lied to Katsura, but that's how he's been getting through life. Through this endless winter. But spring would come to him too, someday. 

He guesses his heart must be in deep if he's having these thoughts, being colored in all kinds of colors, while Katsura's heart is the fine shade of gold he would never reach.

He keeps walking, forward. He doesn't need to look back. Something wet hits his body, trickling down. It must be autumn.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Kagura is outside, having a snowball fight with Okita, although it looks more like a battle for life and death. Otae and Shinpachi are building a snowman together. Sakamoto and Takasugi are out, at some cafe, probably having hot chocolate and coffee. He walks along the streets, greeting some familiar faces, walking through the snow. He forgot his scarf, he thinks as he walks through the streets while snowflakes softly hit him. But he's not cold.

After a while, the most familiar face he knows joins him. His long hair sticking out of the beanie he was wearing, he looked adorable. A warm winter has come again.

Two frozen hands joined in one pocket, hiding from the cold. Gintoki thinks about the times he's disappointed him, disappointed others. How he was hurt by others. And it's okay. He doesn't feel any cold, not when he's with Katsura.

Their white breath comes out of their mouths, they talk about whatever is one their minds, small talk turning into a long conversation. He doesn't know how to say it, doesn't know how to show it, but a grateful heart is persistent so he keeps going. He wants to return the words he's said to him, show him how grateful he feels, so he squeezes the hand in his pocket, hoping it would show. And the smile he gets makes him feel warmer than any summer day could.

There's so many things he wants to say. He wants to thank him for being there even when he's nothing, for bringing back warmth to him, for not giving up on their promise. But all he can do right now is hold his hand and hope Katsura knows what he feels. He thinks he knows.

At the end of the day, they part ways. But they will see each other again. "I'll be back" are beautiful words to say, he thinks, because the day they meet again is a promised "Hello". And he looks forward to that, is excited for the next days, for what's to come. He says it like a habit, he says it always, but he loves Katsura.

And so, he walks home in the snowy night. His hands are frozen, but he doesn't feel cold. Spring must be coming soon.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh yeah this is really just a short one shot that came to my mind because i love ginzura and they make me Feel Things


End file.
